Are you familiar with Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish‘s classic book “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk“? You should be. It’s not just for parents. The ideas in this book and in their other books should be required reading for all of us, but especially for parents, therapists and anyone interested in what we can do to better communicate with each other. I think you will be as charmed as I was listening to Adele and I encourage you to listen to part 2 of this interview.
We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit, we want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and because they care about us.
Juju
November 19, 2010These are ameoswe! Thank you! I often use two women’s names for Amygdala and Cerebellum, Amy is always angry and “Sarah” is athletic. Also for hippocampus I point out that if a hippo showed up on our school campus that would be pretty memorable. Thanks again!
Leanne Watt, Ph.D.
November 19, 2010Thanks, Michael!
I look forward to hearing more of your podcasts. You’ve been bookmarked. :~)
Leanne
Michael
November 19, 2010Leanne: I couldn’t agree with you more. I especially agree with “It is indeed Carl Rogers 101, but still, the most important foundation to raising children who know themselves and who can bare their own feelings.”
I think that Carl Rogers’ approach, the way it is often taught in college, can sound simplistic (“Tell me more about it”, “What do you think about that?”, etc.) and inauthentic. But I believe as you no doubt do as well, that if we can respond to our children and to each other with an authentic interest in the other person’s feelings, then acknowledging how that person feels (“You sound really upset”) and then asking him/her for more (“Tell me what’s going on”) can be the best help we can offer each other.
Glad you found the podcast Leanne and thanks for the comment! – Michael
Leanne Watt, Ph.D.
November 19, 2010Michael– thank you so much for hosting such a lovely interview with Adele Faber. What a delight to stumble upon your podcast– a friend/colleague emailed the link to your site just for fun. Glad i took the time to listen.
Beautifully put– “drive your children sane” by acknowledging their feelings. Mirroring your child’s feelings is at the cornerstone of building your child’s mental health. It is indeed Carl Rogers 101, but still, the most important foundation to raising children who know themselves and who can bare their own feelings. Pain isn’t what kills us– it’s the inability to contain your own feelings that creates the most damage– it’s what’s behind the compulsive behaviors that underlie most addictive and/or avoidant behavior.
If parents don’t stop and make room for their children’s realities, it is indeed crazy making. As a clinical psychologist, I place this basic tenet at the beginning of all sessions with parents who are struggling with their kids’ behaviors. And of course, listening is followed by real limits for unacceptable behavior– kindness and firmness are the hardest things to master, but the most important.
So glad to find you! :~)
Sincerely,
Leanne E. Watt, Ph.D.